Sometimes things work themselves out

Well since my last update nothing much has changed, Still kicking it in Nebraska, Still loving every second of it. I miss home there is no doubt. I miss the church, people, small town environment, but I would not change things right now for anything. I enjoy my job at Best Buy, and I enjoy almost everyone I work with. My Christmas was good, I spent time with my friends and called a bunch of family. I ruined a friendship with someone but repaired it in a matter of days, it was all my fault so I admitted my faults and promised to improve things. I am not perfect by any means, I make mistakes too but I am man enough to own up to them and work through things no matter how long it takes. That and I am kind of fond of the person so I would do anything it takes to keep them in my life. I got a call that my brother was admitted to the hospital and had to have his gallbladder removed because it was inflamed but heard he is doing okay after the surgery. Other than those things I am awaiting judgement day on January 15th and learning whether or not I get to keep my job. I hope I do because like I said I love working for Best Buy. I will not fret on it, I will let god rule what happens and let his will be done. Well that is all for now, I will write again when I get a chance. And will keep everyone updated on my job status. Love you all.

Just a little peak into my head.

Nothing much to update on in my life, Holidays are fast approaching and it has been fun and stressful getting everything ready and figured out as far as gifts go. I sometimes wonder if I live for the stress of the holidays because of the adrenaline rush it brings to me. I sometimes lose myself in planning, wondering if I will have enough money for this person or that person, or if this person likes what I am going to get them, sometimes wondering if I will have any money at all. It is all very exhilarating and one of those things that just brings you to a higher level of peace and serenity, at least for me anyway. I know that most of the people in my life understand what is going on this year and know I can’t get everyone something, the only one that has got anything from me, are my aunt and uncle I got in our family drawing, and my youngest brother.

Have you ever known someone was your soul mate, despite problems either of you were going through? Someone you can call and get a laugh from, or just sit around and talk about nothing for hours? I know what that is like and it is a great feeling. Despite the problems we both face I believe somewhere deep down that this person I am deeply connected to could be my “one”. We finish each others sentences, know what the other one is going to say, heck I even anticipate things before she thinks them. This girl has me in a state of wondering if I am dreaming her up or if she is real. I know she is real of course but the thought of someone almost exactly like me down to the core is a sometimes hard concept to comprehend. Who knows maybe if I stay by her side and offer my unwavering support in any trying times it may pay off. She is looking for her Mr. Right, and I may be there waiting, but I have to let her work out things in her life before I get to involved. She read me a letter she wrote 5 years ago in high school and it was sent to her in the mail. As she read all the things from when we dated it brought back all those memories and made me think about things. She had said in the letter I was her soul mate, and to a very big point I believe that may still be true, but who knows. Only time will tell. Until then I will be there for unwavering support and loving friendship.

I am sure there is more I could write, but it is 5:32AM on Sunday December 6th 2009 and I am dead tired. I will try to kind of write more on this blog even if it is only a few lines a week, cause I know that my public would love to know what I am doing.

Peace, love, and Happy Holidays everyone

Zachary Smart

I wish I was stronger.

Alright so I figured some shit out, Lana is mad at me i think, I am lonely, I hate having a very limited work schedule.I miss home, I may be bipolar, I have medical problems i need checked out, I fear I may be dying, theres more, but every day I put on a happy face because I refuse to live my life constantly afraid of everything and everyone, And yet sometimes I just wanna cry and be held and told everything will be alright. I am always the strong one for everyone in my life, and I don’t mind it, but sometimes it just seems like I let it pile up till ish falls. and then I wonder who I am and what has happened to my life. Where did I go wrong? What did I do ? Where am I going? Sometimes it all feels like to much at once. I hate that I am chasing after someone I may never have, and hanging on to that dream. Is there a point where I implode and have a nervous breakdown and wind up in a corner rocking back and forth in the fetal position and say the same thing over and over to myself as my friends and family members watch me? I would like to think not but part of me fears I am close to that point, a point where I go off to my own little corner and just close myself off from the world for a while and don’t talk to anyone. Sometimes I question if I will ever truly be happy in knowing that I am a man who made a few bad choices and had his life crumble down upon him at a point where he was on the top of it. A man that had a good job, a relationship he was confident in, a house, a  car, friends, etc. Sometimes I have to question myself several times a day about whether or not I still actually love Jackie, part of me does, but the other part of me knows I am better off without her. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if Jackie hadn’t had her miscarriage. Wow I guess sometimes I just need to write a blog and get all this stuff out on the table. I wonder why I keep things bottled up sometimes, they just get me in the end. I love having a job and I love the people I work with, I couldn’t ask for anything better. My bank account has been incurring overdraft charges and won’t stop even though the bank put a supposed stop on the account so I am dealing with that. just another debt to add to the list I guess. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever have that dream where I am falling and when I wake up and realize that I am alive if I will cry because of my fear of death. I put on a tough facade and play a big talking game but there are things I am afraid of and can’t deal with. I can’t deal with Death, it tears me apart until I am so torn up I just give in to depression. I am scared of being alone the rest of my life. I talk a big flirting game but I am way to shy when it comes to talking to a woman, and could never see myself doing it even though I am a sweet and kind guy. I am scared of being out of my comfort zone and I hate it. I love talking to my friends about things but sometimes I keep it all to a bare minimum, they don’t need to be berated with my problems, fears, and anxieties. I wish I had the words to say to make everything better all the time but I don’t, and I wish I could with a snap of my fingers make things right but I can’t. What do I say to my friends when I think they are mad at me you ask, Nothing, I let it work itself out because I hate confrontation and hurt feelings. In the end I stay strong and offer advice, yet take none of my own.  I am sure I could elaborate on this some more but right now I will probably drift off into slumber and hope I have dreams of better days.

just a small update.

It’s been a while blogasphere and I wanted to drop a small line, I haven’t updated this blog in a bit cause life has been busy. Since my last post I have gotten a job that I start sunday at a local best Buy here in Omaha, Ne.  I haven’t had much to write about really but I started a new product review blog over at http://www.zacharysmart.wordpress.com, so thats about it for right now.

A few thoughts and views

What a mess this has been. I was going to write exclusively about love but there is to much on my mind right now. Recently my grandmother died and I thought about life. Sometimes we take life for granted and sometimes we don’t live it to the fullest. I have decided that in my life I am going to do whatever I want to do, when I get a job of course I have priorities and debt, etc to pay off but sometimes it will be nice to be like “Hey I want this game.” or “Hey I want this or that.” and be able to buy it without thinking and without nagging. I mean really I am going to live my life the way I want to from now on and make my own decisions.

Moving on from the previous rant on to a few thoughts on love. Love is an amazing thing, I know people in my life that are in total love with each other and are happy together and have been for years. I myself was in love when I was younger, as most people who know me know I was married at one point in my life. Marriage was a wonderful thing don’t get me wrong but I know that us two were not meant to be together because we went our separate ways. When you find love you will know it. It is that feeling of doing whatever you have to, to make the person happy no matter the circumstances of the situation. Sometimes you will have your fights but that’s one of the things of a relationship but a real loving couple can move past it without getting angry and storming off or saying hateful things. I also believe that if you are in love you should be able to trust your partner at all times, and that you should be able to rely upon them whenever you need a shoulder to cry or rant on. If you aren’t in a relationship but you are one of those people that friends come to with their relationship problems or are always there for certain people be there for them no matter what, love them for who they are and always encourage them and tell them the truth about how you feel. I did this with a friend and I feel better for having told her, I am her best friend yet one day hope to make it more if it plays out like that. I could go on and on but let’s move on to another subject shall we?

Religion and faith play a big part in my life. Growing up I went to church almost every Sunday through friends of my family, when we moved I stopped going for a while and we eventually found people my dad grew up with and they started taking us for a while. When we moved to Yerington I went off and on, I could never grasp some of the concepts that church gave me as maybe I was to young or I just didn’t want to listen I will never know. Round Mountain rolled around and the off and on  still occurred up until last year, I remember it like it was yesterday. My ex wife left me and I knew someone that was willing to help me, the pastor of my moms church. I knew her well actually, she was someone who I had always been able to connect with and really feel comfortable talking to about almost anything. We started havign weekly meeting and then it kind of fluctuated according to our schedules which was fine for me sometimes I just needed the time to think and reflect on my life. Eventually I made a commitment to go to church and become more than I could be. I started going almost every Sunday without fail. Pretty soon I was going on trips and noticing the little blessings I had in life. Friends, family, a roof over my head, the fact I was alive, even if I didn’t have a job I had so much more. Until this day I have my faults and am not perfect but I work on myself through God a lot and try to become better each day. God’s love never falters and sometimes I need to remember that. God never leaves my side and is always there waiting for me to just rest in him and let him guide me on the path I need to be guided on. I will never forget that no matter where I go God is watching out for me and is putting me in positions he wants me. I am made for more than I know and my destiny is in God, as long as I follow him I will be who I am destined to be.

There is probably more to this blog and if so I will post a part two for you all to read but for now I can’t think of anything. I hope you all enjoy this read and get something out of it. If not feel free to leave me a comment and express your opinions, but be respectful.

Oopsy daisy

So I was going to have a post this week about how sometimes life isn’t as fair as we wish it was but my hard drive failed on my computer so as soon as it is fixed I will write a new blog on a new subject, one I am sure we all know well, LOVE look forward to the blog post in the next couple weeks.